Cams' thoughts

So it’s been almost two months since I left the PH🇵🇭.  It honestly felt like I came out of my protective shell and was exposed to a brand new world! (Sisiw ka ghorl?🐣)

A world that I voluntarily entered.

A world that I thought I know.

A world that opened doors to show skills that I didn’t even know existed.

It was liberating yet also limiting. It was exciting yet also frightening. I am very much alive!

Aside from time, culture, and weather, nothing big really changed in my life but it’s those tiny lifestyle differences that are making a long-lasting impact. 

Those tiny differences that I make…

in interacting with people. I am getting used to being greeted with, “How you doing?” and making a conscious effort not to overshare and just plainly answer, “Good! You?” 

in learning how to work with my colleagues. I learned that your colleagues are not your friends and that gave me a whole new definition of work-life balance. I can go to work and speak with my colleagues about work and work only! (Of course except for my Filipino colleagues! Still need someone to share my struggles with hehehe) I learned that I don’t really have to sugarcoat anything and that lessens the duration of the whole interaction. lol. I’m also learning to disagree and still get a decent conversation with everybody!

in speaking to my students. I had to stop using a sing-songy voice when speaking to my students. I gotta be assertive for them to respect me and show my authority in the classroom. I’ve never thought I’ll become a malditang teacher but I gotta do what I gotta do so they won’t eat me alive. 😭

in admitting that I need help. I have always struggled to ask help from anyone cause I was just built like that (jk it’s always been because of my ego hehehehe) but this is a whole new side of me that I’m still getting used to.

in minding my own business. I learned to not give a fck about how and why people do things the way they do here. I am focusing on myself and I am prioritizing myself wherever I go and whatever I do. That’s just how you survive here.

in doing chores at home. I can probably count in my hands the number of times that I cooked back home, but now, our kitchen is my go-to place after a long day at work. (I was able to cook Adobo, Kare-Kare, Beef Budbod, Pasta Aglio e Olio, Ginisang Munggo, and Chicken Sotanghon!)

Just putting here some reviews from my housemates about my cooking skills:

“Ay ka-grabe! Lami sya, Cams! (Masarap siya)” – Princess Jen

“Masarap yung niluto mo! Ano ginawa mo?” – Madam Elline

“Uyyyyyy saraaaap! Shelemet Ate Cams” – Shelou Mae 

These tiny differences make up a whole unforgettable experience but what strikes that most is having that pure autonomy, that pure freedom to control how my life’s gonna be and how I want people to perceive me. Nobody in here knew who I was and how I was like back home. Cliche as it sounds but it really is a new beginning.

I’m still confused and I’m still getting used to the norms here (especially at work!!!) but I know eventually these confusions will fade and I’ll find myself seamlessly fitting in this country with oozing confidence!

Moving to a new country forced me to create a new life for myself, a life that I have complete control of. A life worth living and definitely a life worth valuing because damnnnn those tax deductions, they are 2x bigger than my monthly salary back home 😭. Gotta make every cent count!!

Soooooo, I’ve started working at a new school last June. I’m currently working in Makati and well, I have to say,

it’s been a roller coaster ride.

For two years, I have worked as a shadow teacher in an inclusive, international school. I handled kids with needs in the pre-school level and I was really, really, really comfortable with my workload, workmates, and working environment. The location of the school was pretty convenient for me, too. I loved my kids dearly and I was very confident in what I do ’cause I was comfortable with it.

I go to school with more than eight hours of sleep.

I have lots of free time after my class.

I work with very kind parents, therapists, and teachers.

I’m confident in what I do.

I even have time to date and meet potential jowas hehehehe

But, due to the comfort that I have felt, the workload in that school has stopped giving me that excitement and fulfillment. (Not because of my students, ha!) I just got used to my routine.

So when my contract was about to end, I immediately thought of moving to a new school. I’ve planned to apply to the school that I’ve been eyeing even before I graduated. However, I wasn’t that confident with my teaching skills so I put off my application in that school. I didn’t know if I’m even capable of leading a class cause I was a shadow teacher for two years. Anyway, thanks to my very persistent friend, when he knew that my 2-yr contract is coming to an end, he called non-stop to convince me to send my application and attend their recruitment day. (I’m glad I didn’t resist his little nudge!)

Fast forward to September.

I’ve been going to school with less than an hour of sleep.

I’ve been spat on, kicked, pinched, slapped.

I’ve shed a bucket of tears.

I’ve been frustrated, stressed.

I’ve doubted myself countless times if I’m actually doing the right thing. If I’m even in the right profession.

I have little time to landi 😦

But even if I have felt those emotions and experienced those things, I’ve never regretted my decision of stepping out of my comfort zone. of moving to a new school.

I’ve never been more alive.

You see, my workload now is much heavier than my previous workload. Paper works are never-ending, printing of materials is non-stop. Individualization and differentiation of instruction and activities are a must! (I love doing it but it’s really time-consuming hehehe)

I may be having little sleep, which is probably the reason why I get stressed and frustrated easily, but I’M LEARNING A LOT.

A WHOLE FREAKING LOT.

In this school, I’ve felt frustrated countless times, not because I felt like all my efforts are useless, but because I really want to help my kids reach their full potential.

This school has exhausted the hell out of me but it definitely rekindled and fueled the love that I have for teaching.

It wasn’t easy to step out of my comfort zone. But, I’m glad I did.

I’m a teacher by profession and have decided to be one ever since I got exposed to several outreach programs when I was a child. I’ve been teaching for 2 years now and it’s probably the shortest period of time that a big change has occurred in me. Teaching has taught me so many things and it’s true when they said that this profession is rewarding, fulfilling, and not wallet-thickening.

The demands and workload in teaching are enormous and never-ending yet teachers aren’t properly compensated. (I know, it’s not all about money but c’mon, let’s not kid ourselves. We got bills to pay and ig-worthy places to go to, hun.) There have been countless times when I asked myself the following questions: why do I still want to be in this profession when there’s a mid to low chance of me achieving my dream to become that tita who spoils her nieces and nephews with expensive gifts that they will barely take care of?

Why do I still want to be in a profession that will barely secure my future? why do I still want to pursue further studies to become an effective and charming teacher? the answer has always been consistent – I am still here because educating children is and will always be my passion.

(I’m so passionate about it that I even do cartwheels and splits just to get my students’ attention!)

Being in a passion-driven career has made me realize this. Careers that are fueled by passion will tend to burn you out because you would always want to maximize your efforts and skills. Your passion will push your boundaries and will make you overwork yourself. Despite the stress and frustration, you’d still want to do everything over and over again for as long as you can because your PASSION motivates you to endure all of these. 

But, let’s be real here. Not all people can have their passion as their profession for practical reasons — financial, convenience,  etc. and that’s okay. Many of us are left with no choice but to leave the career that we are passionate in to have better lives. (ESPECIALLY WITH OUR ECONOMY NOW??? Can’t blame you for changing careers, love!)

Here’s my two cents — passion is ever-changing and grit can very much influence your ability to find enjoyment in your current career. You may be in a position that you don’t initially love but you can learn to do so. I know, it’s not that easy but the more that you feed the hate and frustration in your heart and mind, you will never truly feel happy in your current career. Guess who’s gonna dread going to work everyday?

(yep, you!)

Having a different mindset and perspective in your profession all starts with your willingness to have one. Learn to adapt.

I know a few people who don’t want to have a profession built in their passion and maybe that’s what works for you. Find a profession that can support your passion. In that way, you won’t have to choose. 

There will be instances where it may seem like you are not as passionate as you once were. You might lose the passion that you have on a certain career and that passion might be transferred onto a new one. THAT’S OKAY. Don’t be afraid of change because each situation that you face is an opportunity for you to learn and grow from. You just gotta know where to set those eyes. 👀

I’ve been single for two years now. I’ve met and dated a few men from dating apps (Tinder and Bumble), from a bar, or local pub. Views in relationship and courtship is a topic that I commonly had with those men and I honestly can’t count how many guys have told me that I have an unusual way of thinking haha. (Is it that UNUSUAL kaya walang tumatagal? Hahaha)

I honestly don’t give a shit about courtship, I don’t believe in it. It’s one-sided. I hate the idea of expecting the man to exert tons of effort to ‘get’ and ‘win’ you. Mind you, women aren’t objects to be ‘won.’ I ain’t a prize, sweetie. Sure, I appreciate the gesture but isn’t it better when both parties exert the same effort in establishing the relationship? When both people are genuinely interested in getting to know one another? I don’t like the idea of putting your best foot forward just so I’ll like you. Frankly, I don’t want to fall in love with you because you’re matalino, masipag, makisig, malakas, malambing, maliksi, malinis. (Lagay mo na lahat ng street sa Quezon City).

Those are not the only things and qualities I want to see before we start a relationship.

A lot of my friends have told me that I don’t play hard to get and is probably the reason why no man sticks around. According to them, it makes men complacent and comfortable, “walang thrill.” (I once dated this guy for a month. He works in the village next to where I was working. I once brought him breakfast and made a video with all of our pictures and videos). Honestly, I find playing hard to get a waste of time. Why would I spend time playing the push-and-pull game when I know I’m interested with the man already? If you like the idea of women playing hard to get, are you genuinely interested with that lady or you’re just in it for the thrill of chasing her? What’s the guarantee that you’ll stay once the excitement and chasing game are all gone?

Sure, I have a different view on courtship but that doesn’t mean I’m judging those who believe in it. Sure, I did things that are not supposed to be done especially when you’re not yet in a relationship but do I give a fuck about those norms? No. Does me playing ‘easy-to-get’ means that I don’t respect and value myself? No. If anything, it makes the relationship more valuable knowing that I exerted the same effort that my partner gave during the ‘budding’ stage.

To every girl out there, don’t be afraid to make the first move just ’cause it’s not “lady-like”. Remember that you don’t owe the society, they shouldn’t dictate on how you will live your life. Do things that you’re comfortable with and will truly make you happy. It’s your life. Tune out the haters and naysayers. Listen to yourself.

To you reader, I genuinely hope that you find the person that you like and likes you back at sana ako rin, pasama na lang ako sa mga dasal mo.

Paalam!